I feel like a failure.

So I usually try to keep things pretty light here. In life, I do my best to see the positive side of every situation. Having suffered with varying degrees of mental illness most of my life, positive thinking can be hard at times. Lately, I have felt as though I’m hitting a low point.

This post is going to be sort of hard to write.

I joke sometimes about being addicted to food. I laugh it off and promise myself I won’t eat another burrito. I try to convince myself to stay away from meat. The issue is that I really do want to be vegan. I have read enough about the terrible conditions of slaughterhouses, I have read enough about the positive benefits of removing meat and dairy from your life. I have seen “Glass Walls,” for fucks sake. I saw how cutting dairy out of my daughters diet helped her become more focused and less stressed in school. I know how going vegan makes me feel, because I’ve been trying to do it for years.

But the damn comfort foods always tend to come back. I equate my food addiction to that of a smoker, drinker, drug user. I’m not kidding. The thought of not going through a fast food line fills me with sadness. Once, when I was on a juice fast (which didn’t fucking help at all, by the way) I cried when my fiancee ordered pizza for himself. I spend most of my waking days thinking about what meal I’m going to eat next. I’m not proud of this. Switching to veganism, it just feels impossible on some days. Since starting this blog, I’ve gone maybe 3 full days without eating anything with meat or dairy in it. That’s just not cool at all.

Alas, this blog is meant to be an opening up of sorts for me. A way to openly discuss my demons and addictions, my good days and my bad days. While I was in the shower this morning, getting ready to come to the library to post all of my blogs, I considered getting rid of this one. But that would be like giving up, and I don’t want to do that.

I have gotten into the habit of grabbing food for myself on Friday’s. I take my daughter to school, bike to the library to work, and then stop for some grubbage somewhere. Today, I think I’m getting a veggie sub from Subway. Small steps.

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